Saturday, August 23, 2014

gone

I wasn't moving fast enough this morning.

I was still here when he started loading things onto the borrowed trailer. 

It only took an hour but with each passing minute the bitter taste of regret rose in my mouth. A person can do a lot to regret in ten years. 

As the hour grew long I became overwhelmed by sorrow, grief settling over me like a heavy blanket. The mourning is not so much for what was, but for what should've been. 

Suddenly the key is on the counter. He doesn't touch me because he knows that will break us both. 

He tells me not to cry and walks out the door.

He is gone. 

I will cry until I feel better. Then I will eat and live and laugh and love.

We will all be ok.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

be

I have finally found that place in myself where I can simply be.

It's a tremendous relief. 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

nothing left to say

We were having a conversation about how it wasn't healthy for us to continue to try to live in the same house now that we had decided to divorce. 

I remarked that I was fine until I came home. 

He responded that he had not been fine anywhere, anytime.

Before I could stop myself, I whirled around on him and all but spat, "I guess not, you've been walking around for seven years not really thinking there was a problem. I'm the one that's been running around for seven years hollering that our marriage was falling apart." 

He just stared at me. 

I took a breath and said, "I'm sorry, this isn't very helpful," before grabbing my bag and walking out the door. I'm not sure what else he wants me to say.