Friday, June 20, 2014

disaster

I told him again yesterday that I was lonely. 

Earlier today I told him that I felt like walking off into the woods. 

A bit later he told me he was sorry I was depressed, that he was depressed too. He said this wasn't the life he'd pictured 5-6 years ago, which is when he started his last job.

A bit later, as he concentrated on his phone screen, I asked why the heavy sigh.

He said he feels like his life is a disaster.

"Welcome to the club," I muttered.

I asked what had made him sigh. 

He said he's felt like a failure for two months, since his job was taken out from under his feet. 

He never wanted that job to start with. Hated it, thought it was beneath him and made that clear to everyone.

He said it didn’t help that this new job had lied to him.

He never wanted that job to start with. Hated it, thought it was beneath him and made that clear to everyone.

He said that the dog was whining.

I didn’t know what else to say so I told him I was sorry and asked what we were going to do about it.

"I don't know," he answered. "I don't know who's whining."

I said, "no, the other thing."

He came back with, "I don’t know, try to find a way to not be miserable I guess."

He got up and let the dogs out, standing on the porch for a few minutes, fussing at them playing. He came inside, collapsed back into his recliner.

From the bedroom we heard the cat meow. He sighed heavily and we fell into silence, the only noise - the background drone of some talking head, an angry bird outside, and the creak of his recliner as he reached for his soda. 

What a disaster. I can almost hear that damn cuckoo clock. 

Saturday, June 7, 2014

alrighty

It's no one's fault. 

He is who he is and I love him dearly.

I am who I am. 

There's not a lot we can do to change that but I am lonely and miserable. 

I will not spend  the next 40 years feeling that way.

It's no one's fault. 

homesick

He says he's a light sleeper.

His wife can stay up for more than two hours, in the same room, crying every now and then. 

He doesn't notice.

I just want to go home. I don't belong here anymore, with him. I am a stranger here. I am alone. 

I don't have a home anymore. The Boy's Daddy had been the only home I'd ever known. It was hard to rebuild after he died, to create a new home, without him.

But we did it, and now he is taking that away from me and has the audacity to wonder why I'm pissed.

I've been here before, lying awake in the middle of the night, in tears because I am unwanted and unimportant, angry that the mere fact I feel that way isn't even worth discussion. 

I left when I was 15 and swore I would never go back so what in the hell am I doing here??