Wednesday, October 30, 2013

the beginning

For me, the hardest part about writing has aways been getting started.

It seems simple enough. You start at the beginning. 

The problem is determining where that beginning actually starts.

I was born on a Tuesday evening....

Who gives a shit? That hardly seem relevant. 

Do people really care that my Daddy was an alcoholic? Does it matter that I always considered him a fully functioning alcoholic because he never missed work? Is it important that I never considered it a problem for him to drink because he was a hateful son of a bitch when he was sober? 

Probably not. 

Do people really care that my Momma spent most of my childhood sitting on the couch, watching soap operas, trying to tell herself that she didn't' have a problem because she waited until dark to drink her whiskey and smoke her weed? Does it matter that she would go for days, or even weeks at a time without speaking to me? Is it important that I was convinced she hated me for existing?

Probably not.

Do people really care that when I was little I regularly screamed at them both, begging them to let me have my brother, begging them to let me live somewhere else because I knew they didn't love me? Does it matter that they told me I was crazy, that she never admitted she had lied, even years later when he told me about my brother? Is it important that I can clearly remember often lying awake in the dark, a little girl focused on every beat of her heart, desperately urging it to stop?

Probably not. 

But it seems like a lie to not start there. 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Two Shoes Tuesday #51

Night or noise? Is there really a difference? 

I consider them to be interchangeable terms. 

The noise is deafening at night. Thousands of memories whispering, tugging at my heart, nudging me to move forward. 


Sunday, October 27, 2013

solitude

Epiphanies generally leave me feeling quite stupid. Some shit should be obvious. 

I firmly believe God puts us where He wants us and that the people along our path are placed there for a purpose. 

Today I talked to my husband about how frustrated I was that I still felt so isolated, so alone.

Solitude. 

I require a certain amount of solitude. I require much more to write. 

God has made it very clear to me that I am supposed to write, something. 

It struck me today that I am supposed to be solitary, for the moment at least, because I have work to do.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

mindfulness

It's all about focus. Guided meditation. 

I'm tired of allowing them to take so much space in my head. Perhaps it's time I stopped allowing them to consume me. 

Discard each thought as it passes. No need to entertain them all.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

fine line

It makes me feel like a low life piece of shit to have to beg God to help me not hate my mother. 

Perhaps the fact that I desperately don't want to hate her will be enough of a saving grace.

Monday, October 7, 2013

ready to take on the world

There's an old Polaroid picture of us, taken the day we moved in together. We were young and eager and fearless.

He told me that we could do this, that we would be just fine.

I was bitterly disappointed to discover we wouldn't be doing it together for long.

But he was right.

We can do this. We can even do this well. 

We can take on the world and win, ultimately. 

slow

I'm a bit slow when it comes to things remotely techy.

A new job (started a year ago) derailed me a bit and forced me to develop a new schedule, new habits and a new workflow. 

All the "new" leaves me hating a computer at the end of the day but I've fallen in love with my iPhone. 

I have just now discovered a reader app that will let me catch up and keep up with all my favorite bloggers!! I look forward to making my rounds again!