Tuesday, June 25, 2013

she is my Mother

How am I doing? 

Not that great. In fact, I am struggling. 

I am angry. Very angry.

I'm certain my hostility only makes matters worse, but I am too angry to give a damn. 

She didn't give me the videos as punishment. That's speculation of course. She told me once that she didn't think I loved him enough because I left. She believes you don't really love someone if you're willing to leave. 

She's left me repeatedly. 

I plead with God to forgive us both because I'm not certain I can forgive her.

My husband has been dead for thirteen years. I still do not have the one video in existence of him holding our son. The one audio of him in the background talking about what it was like to be in the room when our son was born.

Our son and I just got to see it, and two short others, last week on his 17th birthday.

I tremble with rage. 

...Lord please help me forgive her for I do not have the grace of my own.

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