Wishing I had some damn energy!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
How am I doing?
Not that great. In fact, I am struggling.
I am angry. Very angry.
I'm certain my hostility only makes matters worse, but I am too angry to give a damn.
She didn't give me the videos as punishment. That's speculation of course. She told me once that she didn't think I loved him enough because I left. She believes you don't really love someone if you're willing to leave.
She's left me repeatedly.
I plead with God to forgive us both because I'm not certain I can forgive her.
My husband has been dead for thirteen years. I still do not have the one video in existence of him holding our son. The one audio of him in the background talking about what it was like to be in the room when our son was born.
Our son and I just got to see it, and two short others, last week on his 17th birthday.
I tremble with rage.
...Lord please help me forgive her for I do not have the grace of my own.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
It is very difficult for me to think of the things I like about myself. Josie is right, those thoughts are always hijacked by that inner voice that tells me I'm not doing it right or am not good enough - that voice nags me constantly.
I like the fact that I have a good relationship with The Boy, that despite my many parental shortcomings, I have never lied to him and he has never doubted my love for him. I promised him those two things before he was even born and those are two promises I've kept.
I like that I still tear up when I hear of tornadoes ripping their way through cities or puppies being put to sleep because no one wanted them. I like that I haven't lost that tender part of myself yet.
I like that I can still giggle and that once I start giggling, I find it hard to stop.
I like that I haven't grown stagnant. I'm still learning and growing.
I like that I'm never satisfied with myself and constantly trying to do a little more, a little better.
I like that I can finally identify some things I like about myself. I even almost like the fact that I can't identify any of them without also identifying the downside that goes along with each of them.
I lie here bemoaning the fact that I did not bring a book.
I need to go let the ocean beat the shit out of me. Cleanse me.
Without a distraction my mind wanders, picking it's way along the debris.
I wish I had a notebook with me so I could capture this feeling.
I remember I have this gadget and it suddenly becomes very difficult to find the words.
Even after all that has happened, all that I have loved, even those loves that will last forever, I'd give them all up for our happily ever after.
That makes me horrid.
Remind me who I am.