Sunday, November 4, 2012

gobble gobble

I've spent the past two years reevaluating my life. Granted, this seems to be an ongoing thing. I'm not quite sure that there is anyone who is not in a constant state of reevaluation. But this has been different.

This has been reevaluation with intent. 

So often my reevaluation has simply been a review of systems, examining what is happening, what I'm feeling and what other people are feeling. The only intent involved centered around trying to identify things that could change what other people were feeling. 

I've finally come to accept that a counselor I had when The Boy was just a baby, was correct when he advised that the only thing I could control was my own actions and reactions. I have no control over how anyone else acts or reacts and will drive myself crazy if I continue to twist myself into knots to try. 

Once I accepted that, I had to make some choices. If I can't control their actions and reactions...to what extent will I allow them to control mine? 

I have to say, that was hard. Damn hard. 

I've spent most of my life twisting myself inside out trying to keep the peace in the midst of a war zone, trying to balance having relationships with people who hate each other and weighing every decision I make by not only my own standards, but the standards of everyone else in my life as well. 

Well good hell! No wonder I felt like a basketcase most of the damn time!! 

Any-hoo, I decided that most of it simply did not matter. I come from a long line of crazy ass females who seem to thrive on being cruel and hateful to one another. After nearly 36 years I've realized that they are going to be that way regardless of what I do or do not do. 

It's a bittersweet feeling heading into this holiday season. I will not be joining them for Thanksgiving this year. Instead, my little family has decided we would much rather stay home and enjoy each other rather than enter that viper pit this year. I'm sure that decision will make me public enemy number one, but I've grown accustomed to that and find it no longer matters. 

At least I'll be able to enjoy my turkey with people who love me. 

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