Monday, November 5, 2012

it's the holiday season...

I'm excited about the holidays.

It actually seems a bit surreal to not be gripped by anxiety at the thought of their approach. I'm feeling a bit out of my element, but I think I like it here.

I'm even thinking about having a Christmas party. I've never had a Christmas party. For that matter, I've never had any kind of party at all, unless you count birthday parties for The Boy, and I don't think that's the same.

I've even thought of having two - one for the more, um, lively friends of mine and another for the more straight and narrow.

That seems like a like of work though.

Unfortunately, I'm fairly certain that I cannot invite everyone I'd like to a single gathering without their being bloodshed...or at the very least, some folks being highly offended.

So, I'm thinking I may make a day of it. We can have our more straight-laced folks over in the afternoon, including a few of The Boy's friends and their parents, and then have my deviant friends over that night.

I call them deviants but they're really good people. They just tend to drink a bit too much, cuss a bit too loud and laugh at totally inappropriate things.

We'll see.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

gobble gobble

I've spent the past two years reevaluating my life. Granted, this seems to be an ongoing thing. I'm not quite sure that there is anyone who is not in a constant state of reevaluation. But this has been different.

This has been reevaluation with intent. 

So often my reevaluation has simply been a review of systems, examining what is happening, what I'm feeling and what other people are feeling. The only intent involved centered around trying to identify things that could change what other people were feeling. 

I've finally come to accept that a counselor I had when The Boy was just a baby, was correct when he advised that the only thing I could control was my own actions and reactions. I have no control over how anyone else acts or reacts and will drive myself crazy if I continue to twist myself into knots to try. 

Once I accepted that, I had to make some choices. If I can't control their actions and reactions...to what extent will I allow them to control mine? 

I have to say, that was hard. Damn hard. 

I've spent most of my life twisting myself inside out trying to keep the peace in the midst of a war zone, trying to balance having relationships with people who hate each other and weighing every decision I make by not only my own standards, but the standards of everyone else in my life as well. 

Well good hell! No wonder I felt like a basketcase most of the damn time!! 

Any-hoo, I decided that most of it simply did not matter. I come from a long line of crazy ass females who seem to thrive on being cruel and hateful to one another. After nearly 36 years I've realized that they are going to be that way regardless of what I do or do not do. 

It's a bittersweet feeling heading into this holiday season. I will not be joining them for Thanksgiving this year. Instead, my little family has decided we would much rather stay home and enjoy each other rather than enter that viper pit this year. I'm sure that decision will make me public enemy number one, but I've grown accustomed to that and find it no longer matters. 

At least I'll be able to enjoy my turkey with people who love me.