Saturday, July 14, 2012

on guard

All I could do is stand guard.

There was nothing I could do to protect them. Nothing I could do to save them.

Yet I remained firmly rooted.

"You ARE loved and you are NOT alone."


How can you go through life without feeling any remorse? My heart aches over the least of things, and many. Some I didn't even do.

Friday, July 6, 2012


Don't get me wrong.

It would be nice to live without so much of this heartache for all those I've loved, and all they have loved in turn, here and not.

It terrifies me to let go of that pain. It's grounded me for so long. I'm so firmly rooted in it. I sometimes feel as though any minute this whole world will tilt too sharp and sling me off. So I hang on.

I had to remember who I was.


And I know I must let go.

But I don't know how to separate it. How to keep from losing everything.


I dreamed of him last night. One of those vivid dreams that seem so real I could honestly believe I was having a conversation with him.

People would probably think I was crazy if they knew just how much I do believe that.

I don't remember most of the conversation. It seems we talked for a very long time as we sat, side by side, arms touching. I could still feel his hand in mine when I woke up this morning. I could still smell him and feel his breath upon my ear. I know we were talking about how I was having such a hard time finding my balance.

"I'm going to have to let you go, aren't I?"

He just nodded.

I'm not sure that I can, even if I knew how.