Wednesday, October 28, 2009

don't close your eyes

They say that I must learn to separate myself from the human face of this job.

I say that if I ever get to the point I am no longer able to see that human face it is time for me to quit.

I guess that's how a lot of people deal with it though.

We find their bodies broken and bloody. We find them gasping for breath, their hearts too weak to beat. We hear the cries of their husbands and wives, their children, their parents.

We do what we can.

Some of us close our eyes, refusing to see past the flesh and bone. Some of us close our hearts, refusing to feel their pain.

But sometimes all we can do is care. What good are we to them if we lose that ability?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

relentless tide

As usual, I have a gazillion things on my to-do list, but I can't seem to check any of them off because my mind is a million miles away.

I would entertain the possibility that I had ADD if it weren't for the fact that the distractions are rarely varied. No, my attention always seems to be focused in one direction - that single, all consuming wave of emotion that begins with a sharp catch of the breath and begins to ebb with the whispered exhalation, "you have no idea how much I love you."

Sunday, October 4, 2009

damn vortex

Well hell, I did it again.

To borrow a thought from a dear friend of mine - that damn vortex! It will get you every time.

So often it seems as though there's nothing really going on in my life, yet once I suddenly catch my breath and look back, I'm like, "wow! no wonder it was so easy to get sucked into that vortex."

Things I've done over the past 2 months:

* Started teaching Sunday school. I hate the term "teacher" though. After all, in order to be qualified to "teach" shouldn't you really have a firm understanding of the subject? Shouldn't you be able to answer questions? So, I lead the Bible study discussion for my age group every Sunday morning. And I haven't burst into flames yet, which proves that whole idea of forgiveness.

* Contracted, suffered through and recovered from a nasty case of walking pneumonia. This was the second time I've had that mess. Funny thing though - I was never actually sick. At least not "sick" as in sniffing, sneezing, runny nose sick. My chest had already been hurting for a week before I got the sniffles, which only lasted a couple days. Mostly I just felt like there was an elephant sitting on my chest and I couldn't quite catch my breath.

* Quit smoking. Again. Ok, it's only Day 12 and I've cheated twice, but I'm working on it. The whole pneumonia thing really scared me. It was the second time I've had that mess and this time I was downright out of breath and literally gasping for air. It occurred to me that I'd been smoking for 20 years and I was probably pushing my luck. If I keep smoking, odds are good I'll end up living my life out of breath and gasping for air. No thanks. I get the picture. I'll stop.

(Of course, I've discovered my mom is absolutely right about what has kept me from actually quitting. She told me that my problem with quitting was simply that I was too stubborn. You'd think being stubborn would come in handy when trying to muster up the willpower to do something, but I'm stubborn in a backwards kind of way. When I decide I want to smoke, I go smoke a cigarette, whether I've quit or not.)

* Started working part-time with the local EMS service. I'm still in the training phase, riding as a 3rd person provider. I was most nervous about driving the ambulance, so of course my first time driving was an emergency traffic call down a curvy road. I'm doing ok though and really think I'm going to enjoy this type of work. This gives me a total of three part-time jobs though, which makes scheduling a bit hectic. As The Boy pointed out the other day, once you put it all together it's like I work a full-time job plus an extra part-time job. I wish The Husband would reach that same realization. He seems to be trying though.

Things I haven't done over the past two months:

* Written any blogs. Instead I've been writing Sunday school lessons, grant reports, letters to friends, to-do lists (that never seem to get done)and grocery lists. I hope to get back on track with that routine as well.

* Kept up with my blog subscriptions. I've missed reading them and hope to get back into the routine although I'm not sure I'll ever get caught up on all of them. That's where I'm off to now - to see what everyone else has been up to for the past two months.