Friday, August 7, 2009

things I wonder about

My fellow blogger Maria (who has such a knack for combining incredibly funny with incredibly deep to make for a heartwarming read) has been wondering about things lately, which prompted me to do some wondering of my own.

1) I wonder why we never see birds falling from the sky, or out of trees. Birds have to die, I'm certain of it. But I've never seen a bird that died from natural causes. I've seen the ones who had very unfortunate encounters with cars, those assaulted by other animals and, in one particularly sad incident, a bird who mistook a freshly washed, giant plate glass window for an unencumbered entry to my office. (I refused to ever wash that window again for fear of it happening again.) BUT, I've never seen a bird sitting on a power line or tree limb suddenly lose the fight. I've never come across a dead bird that hadn't died of some horrific trauma. Where on earth do the go? I've been told that animals cart them off too quickly for us to discover, but I have a hard time buying that. There's a LOT of birds in this world. Where do they all go when they die and how is it that no one I know has ever seen one fall out of the sky or off a perch? A weird thing to wonder I know, but it's always troubled me.

2) Why is it that you always start to feel better if you finally call to make that doctor's appointment, only to feel worse again if you decide to cancel? I could chalk this up to the placebo effect, except the same holds true for vehicles. They never make that funny noise at the mechanics, but as soon as you leave the garage, it does it again.

3) Why is it that my husband cannot sit through a single commercial but can be sitting on the edge of his seat for an entire four hour Operation Repo marathon?

4) Why is it that men take so much pride in their ability to write their names in the snow, but refuse to practice their aim in the bathroom? (Incidentally, I recently read somewhere that if you painted a fly or some such silliness in the bottom of the bowl, they will always aim for it, thus making cleaning the toilet and surrounding area a much more bearable task.)

5) Why is it that at 5:30 in the afternoon, when everyone in town is doing their grocery shopping, there will be 15 store employees milling around but only two registers open and no one bagging groceries?

6) Why is it that I seem to be the only one in my house who recognizes when a vacuum cleaner, dust rag or broom should be used?

7) Why is that I seem to be the only one who knows how to use these fancy-fangled devices?

8) Why is it that when I'm looking for a job there's none to be found, but when I already have several, everyone wants to offer me another one?

9) Why is it that none of my dogs are confident in my ability to go pee by myself? Ok, as annoying as it can be to have three dogs escorting every move I make, it really does give me a warm fuzzy feeling to know they're that protective of me. "Oh no, woman is going to another room, ON GUARD, GO!"

10) Why is it that two of those same dogs seem to forget I exist as they fly through the woods after an unknown creature, seemingly oblivious to my demands and pleadings that they "STAY!!! COME BACK HERE!!"

11) How does my cat know I'm going for a bowl of cereal? If I even THINK about getting a bowl of cereal, she is in my lap or rubbing herself against my legs. And don't let me sit down on the couch with a bowl of cereal, because she will insist on sitting on the arm of the couch (or the back, above my shoulder) trying to shove her fat kitty nose into my bowl. If I'm not eating it fast enough for her, she'll nudge the bottom of the bowl with her fat kitty head. More than one bowl of cereal has been dumped in my lap that way. Or she'll bat at the spoon with her paw.

12) Why do I continue to sit the bowl down for that damn cat when I'm finished??

13) Why is it that the men-folk around here fuss there's nothing to eat in the house when there's a refrigerator full of leftovers that need to be thrown out because they opted to eat frozen pizzas on the nights I worked?

14) Why do these same men-folk not understand why I refuse to cook more food when there's still leftovers that need to be eaten before they go bad in the refrigerator?

15) Why do I let such crap get under my skin so bad? I know that in the grand scheme of things, little daily annoyances really don't matter. I try to remind myself of that as I feel my temper rising, but after a while I explode and everyone in the house decides I must just be cranky that day.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

If they're old and he's a teen, I must be middle-aged

Getting old sucks.

It's as though I woke up one day recently to discover that everyone around me has gotten old.

My great-grandmother recently turned 95, but that's not what triggered it for me. She's always been old, at least for as long as I've been around.

I think it was more that my grandmother turned 70 last year. When I looked at her one day and realized that, even though she could still pass for 50, she is now what most people would consider elderly.

That point was really driven home a few weeks ago when she called to let me know she had made her final arrangements and worked out a payment plan so she could cover the cost herself. She was calling me to let me know that I was the one she listed to receive her cremated remains.

I was only partly shocked. She and I have had that conversation before. I knew what she wanted done and had long ago agreed to ensure her wishes were carried out. But the fact that she has finally, not only put it in writing, but made firm plans, kind of took me aback.

Then, just a few days ago, my mom, who is 52, called to tell me that her doctor had just informed her that she had osteoporosis and needs to start considering treatment options. So there I am, doing a ton of research on the internet, shocked to discover that my mom, the woman who rocked skimpy bikinis in the 80s and mini skirts even in the 90s, is now frail. FRAIL!

I guess I've reached THAT point. You know the one. Where you finish raising your children, just in time to take care of your parents and grandparents. My son will start high school in another year and be ready to start college or strike out on his own in another 5 years.

I'm not sure I'm ready for all this.