Sunday, July 5, 2009

happy independence day

"Suzie" and her husband came over tonight to help us celebrate the fourth.

She's one of the few people who understand...who was around then, who knew both of us, who really gets it.

The pictures in The Boy's room were almost enough to make her cry.

I knew she'd understand the trunk and the strange things it contains...the wallet that still stores a small amount of cash, the candy that was never eaten, the glass jar of water that manages to stay cold no mattter what the temperature.

She recognized the smell immediately. And suddenly I felt a little less crazy.

She would understand why, no matter how good this life is, I will always want something different. Why I nearly welled up in tears tonight, accepting, for the millionth time, that he wasn't here.

She understands that I am no longer whole, that a part of me died with him, that no matter how much time passes, no mattter how much things change or life goes forward, I am his wife. She understands that is who am. She knows that person.

And she wonders how I continue to be the person I've become.

I often wonder the same. And know that I would trade everthing I am, everything I have for just one more moment.

1 comment:

  1. I don't really know what to say, Alice, except i'm sorry it still hurts.