Wednesday, June 17, 2009

more specifically

So you're poking along, attending to the everyday business of living and you're feeling more than a bit distracted. Downright detached even. So detached that you start wondering if you're actually awake or if this is all just a dream.

I've spent the last few months like that. I'm 99% certain I'm awake and not dreaming, but I'm having a hard time "waking up" per se.

A little detachment is a good thing. It's not healthy to be so wrapped up in yourself, or in the everyday bullshit of life, that you miss the bigger picture. But too much detachment leaves you damn near useless.

Oh don't get me wrong, during this time, I've completed the EMT course and passed my state exam with flying colors, so my brain is apparently still functioning. It just doesn't seem to be relaying the message to the rest of me that I am indeed alive.

It's hard to explain. It's not quite numbness, although many of my senses certainly seem dulled. It's just...detached. Disconnected from everything around me, detached even from myself.

It makes it damn hard to write. It makes it damn hard to do much of anything beyond the absolutely necessary. I'm here. But I'm not. Hell, the thing is, I'm not even sure where the rest of me is.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I swear...

I am alive. I really am.

At least I'm 95% certain of that.