Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I'm not dead yet, but I will be if I don't start pushing harder

"It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them."
- Isabel Colegate

Isn't that the truth! I suppose that's why I haven't posted anything recently. There just hasn't been much of anything rattling around in this mind of mine the past month that I'd want to bother anyone with...even semi-anonymous folks floating around out there in cyberspace.

That's not to say this has been a quiet month...quite the contrary actually. I'll hit the highlights and will hopefully resume a regular blogging schedule.

- Some extremely suspicious places have cropped up that lead me to believe the cancer has returned (again.) Of course it waited until after I allowed the $800/month health insurance lapse so I could continue to afford my house payment. I already know what they'll say anyway.

- The boy went temporarily stupid and set a trashcan on fire at school. Not only did he get expelled for 365 days, but he's not also facing a felony charge. He's not even 13 yet!!! This is what happens when you have a thing for bad boys...eventually you have their children. They will most likely drop it to a misdemeanor, in which case he'll get off easy. Too easy in fact. I don't know what scares me worse, the idea of him going to juvenile detention or the idea of him getting off with a slap on the wrist.

- We've been invited to join the church we've been attending regularly. It's a Baptist church and, since I did not grow up in the church, I have not yet been Baptized. So at some point over the next few weeks I'm going to be dunked in water by a pastor who promises to hold my nose. I made the silent promise to him that I would try not to break his wrist as I clung to it for dear life. I did however mention my fear that I would be the first adult in the history of the church to flail around madly while going down, terrified I was drowning.

- The same pastor left me flooded with humility during our meeting regarding the Baptism when he asked me to share my testimony and then offered that he had no doubt as to my salvation. He also asked me to serve (i.e. teach Sunday school on a regular basis.) He is an elderly man, who I am sure has seen much in this world and I have no doubt as to his ability to see clearly my imperfections. The first time I served as a substitute teacher in Sunday school my response to his question about how it went was simply, "well I didn't burst into flames so I suppose it went well." I truly believe God sent brought him and that church into my life to show me that it is indeed by God's grace and not my own worth that I was blessed with salvation.

- I have only two months left in my EMT training. So far I've maintained a near-perfect average in the class, but I'm certain my first CPR will be go much like this:
MEDIC: You have to really push hard on those chest compressions, I'm still not reading a pulse.
ME: But that's gotta hurt and I don't want to hurt him.
MEDIC: He's not going to feel it, he's DEAD and he's going to STAY dead if you don't start pushing harder!
This is a perfectly plausible scenario as so far, the only problem I've had with hands-on skills is not being firm enough. Although I did manage to whack the airway obstruction out of the infant on the first try.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

damn good husband

I would make a damn good husband.

My first husband first pointed that out to me when I was juggling two full-time jobs to keep us afloat. He would remind me of that the following year when I pushed our Ford up a hill in the snow and ice, and again the year after that when I fixed the botched "do-it-yourself" tune-up he'd tried to perform on his car.

At the time, it was a tremendous source of pride for me. I was proud of the fact that I could work hard to take care of my family. I was also proud of the fact that my daddy had taught me basic mechanics of cars, simple machinery, etc. and I wasn't afraid to get dirty. I was proud of the fact that I was self-sufficient.

Of course, that was ten years ago.

These days it just annoys me.

I'm on my second husband now and I don't want to make someone a damn good husband! I want to HAVE a damn good husband so I can concentrate on being a damn good wife.

I don't want to have to be the one that knows how to fix shit, or be the one that has to keep up with when the oil needs to be changed. I don't want to be the one who has to make all the major financial decisions or make sure the bills are paid. I don't want to be the one who has to climb up on a stool to change a light bulb because he can't figure out how to get the cover off.

Believe it or not, I can cook and clean and all that other "wifely" shit, and would love to do it more. I'd love to be an "old-fashioned wife" but I resent the hell out of someone asking me to do both!