Thursday, November 8, 2007

not on little cat feet

I hate this! I can't even seem to find the words to comment on the other blogs I read regularly.

It's more of an overall funk than writer's block or some such mystical ailment.

I get like this sometimes and it can be difficult to shake myself out of it.

It would probably be much easier if I could at least identify what triggers it, but there doesn't seem to be any real trigger. After a few days it occurs to me that I'm not eating, which doesn't help my energy level at all. Before I know it, several weeks have passed in a fog.

During these times, my mind is in overdrive, constantly churning.

When I first noticed this drastic fluctuation in myself I thought it was a sure sign of mental illness and carried myself to a shrink. The boy was just a few months old at the time and I was terrified of him having a crazy mom.

I saw the shrink once a week for several months. Each visit I would insist I was somehow "fucked up in the head" and each visit he would insist that I was not suffering from bipolar disorder or anything like that but was instead suffering from chronic depression, which he said was the result of being "damaged".

Over the years, I've tried various anti-depressants, dietary changes, yada yada, but it never fails, once or twice a year I slip into this funk.

It's a never-ending cycle, one that many people do not understand. I've always been a "pull yourself up by the bootstraps, don't let life knock you on your ass" kind of girl, but it's not always so cut and dry. First the thick fog seeps in, muddying your mind and weighing you down. Then you begin to chastise yourself for not being able to see through the fog. Days, or even weeks slip by and you bemoan your inability to accomplish everything you needed to do in that time. You start beating yourself up for being depressed, which just makes you feel even more worthless, causing the dense fog to grow even thicker.

Then, something unexpected happens. A tiny ray of sunlight pierces through, reminding you of the world that exists outside of the stifling fog. You slowly begin crawling forward, suddenly aware that you're drowning in the darkness.

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