Monday, June 4, 2007

what i want

I wish it were easier for us all to maintain our focus…..the ability to see beyond our limited, preconceived notions to the sheer beauty of this life. I wish it didn’t take tears to illuminate that beauty and that those same tears wouldn’t always blur my glimpses of purity.

I want those I love to know all that I am and love me anyway.

I want to stand in judgment of myself and not continually find myself lacking.

I want to know my existence has some relevance in this infinite universe and that it is not just my ego that leaves me with that impression. I want to know I am fulfilling whatever purpose is mine.

I want to ease the suffering of others. I wish that desire was as selfless as it seems on the surface, but it pains me to see others injured and that anguish can almost be too much to bear. I often resent being asked to carry that cross, even while questioning my worthiness of the burden.

I want to regain the innocence I can’t remember ever having. I wish my heart were not so heavy, nor my soul so weary.

I want to understand the full depth of this life so that I may share the knowledge with others, sparing them the torturous journey of discovery, and yet I’d hate to deprive them of those exhilarating “aha” moments when, if only for a short time, it all becomes clear.

I want all my relationships to be pure and heartfelt, a sharing of souls, not just a product of societal mandates.

I want to drown the incessant noise and be left alone with my thoughts, my prayers and my loves.

I want to know that this nagging, insatiable emptiness will be filled.

Damn, I sure do want a lot! Maybe I really am asking too much.

Oh and did I mention that I really wish I could forgive myself for wanting more when I ought to just be grateful for what I have?

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