I will forever hear my mother's voice, "you're never going to be happy because nothing is ever good enough for you."
She has always accused me of having some great, master plan and that I was capable and willing of walking over anyone who stood in the way.
"It's not really love if you're willing to walk away."
I had this talk with her, not so very long ago, during a time in which she was expressing admiration for my independence, for the fact that I was capable of holding everything together so well. She said she really respected the way I was able to stand up for myself. Momma had woken up, not long before that conversation and realized she was still not happy and had decided she was going to make herself happy. But she wasn't sure she could and "It's not really love if you're willing to walk away."
I've held my tongue so much over the years, but I finally did explain that one reason it is so easy for me to walk away is because I watched her stand there and allow my father to treat her like shit and practically destroy her, all in the name of love. And I swore that I would never allow anyone, especially a man, do that to me — love be damned!
During the same time period I told my daddy I was really disappointed that he was becoming a crotchety old man instead of the cool old guy I'd held out hope for. I also told him that being born an asshole was no excuse not to try to be something a little better. A buddy of his got hurt pretty bad at work one night, could've been killed.
One day Daddy wakes up, decides he's been an asshole to his wife for 32 years and he needs to be nicer to her. Oh and don't worry "Who knows, maybe one day I'll even start being nice to other people, but I've got to start with your momma."
Does knowing what I want out of life, out of my life, constitute a master plan? Goals and objectives, hopes and dreams. They seem to me almost necessary to consider ourselves human.
Maybe old Maslow is right and I'm well on my way. Or maybe mothers really do know their children better than anyone else possibly could and I'm just a heatless bitch.
I will always kick myself for not beating her ass when I had the chance.