Sunday, June 3, 2007

angry words for God

Ok, yes, I think I've moved into the "angry" stage of coping with this crap.

I went through "shock" and then seemed to spend an eternity in "denial". I refused to use the word cancer and had a very difficult time seeing myself as a cancer patient, even when sitting in an oncologist's office. From there I went straight to "bargaining" where I offered you a few deals to let the first surgery work and when that didn't work found myself deep in the throes of "depression".

And now, I'm damn near enraged.

What in the hell kind of shit is this? I know that no one ever promised life would be fair, and I know there's plenty of people out here a whole lot worse off than me, so I know I should be grateful, but you've got to be kidding me! How much can one human being be expected to take and what in the hell did I do to deserve this much of it?

I mean come one, give me a break! If you're going to smack me with cancer can't you at least give me the dignity of some sort of mundane, socially acceptable cancer? But no! Instead you throw some sort of fucked up crotch cancer my way that I can't even discuss in polite conversation!

Ok, so you wanted to prove to me I wasn't in control...I got it!

They say you have your reasons for everything you do, and I'm trying really hard to be respectful of your motivations even if I don't understand them, but you know, this is the kind of shit that makes people think of you more as a devious little prankster who enjoys messing with people than an omnipotent, benevolent being.

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