Tuesday, May 22, 2007

"happy" to help

It's hot in here and I want a cigarette.

So I suppose if someone could turn the AC down and toss me a pack of Kools, it would probably make me feel better right this instant, especially if they threw in a country ham or steak biscuit, but would it make me happy? Eh, I guess it depends on how broadly you define the term "happy". I suppose it would in that instant gratification, superficial desires having been met kind of way (Although I so very deeply desire a cigarette right now.)

But true happiness? That come from within sort of peace with one's self and one's life? I realized long ago that no one can achieve that for me, or hand it to me — it's not something that can be packaged and adorned with a little bow to be presented as a gift. I've got that much figured out, I'm just still not completely certain how to reach it.

I've often felt as though I've stood in the way of my own happiness, whether by building walls to keep others out, or through a complete lack of forgiveness — for others and for myself. They say that you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. That's always really pissed me off, mainly 'cause I'd like to meet someone who is truly happy with themselves. Are these people even out there? I think surely I am not one of them although I suppose I'm as happy with myself as I've ever been.

I often feel as though I am still in mourning, not so much for my husband but for the part of me that died with him. I think, well hell, I know that I'm still kind of pissed over being shitted out of our happily ever after and incessantly guilt-ridden over the role I played in that ruin.

So what can one do to make me happy? I'm not certain that's even possible. I'd certainly like to think it was, but can hardly charge anyone else with that monumental task when I do not even have a clue as to how to accomplish it.

So often I think if I could just live here in my little world — this private little place where I must only clear the clutter and immerse myself in the beauty created by others — I could achieve something close to happiness. But life or fate or God or whatever the fuck you want to call it, seems to have other plans for me....and that pisses me off as much as anything.

1 comment:

  1. After reading some of your entries, I can tell you that I too have built the walls, live in the "emotional abuse" that was inflicted on me for 13 years, and trying desperatly to find myself again, trust again, and get out of this house and LIVE! Who can help? How can we be helped? Who wants to help sift thru the baggage? If I figure this out I will let you know, and if you figure it out PLEASE let me know.