reemerge

I'm 35 now. I'm not really sure how that happened.

Obviously years have passed, the clock silently ticking away each second of every day, but the crescendo has suddenly crashed over me, bringing with it the realization that two or three years have passed. The waves have receded and somehow I'm still here, a bit damp, a bit winded from the exertion and much farther down the shore than where I began.

I have survived another growth spurt.

I always know when my son is headed into a growth spurt - his feet suddenly get huge, disproportionately larger than the rest of him and his cheeks puff out as though he were squirreling away food.

Apparently my growth spurts are a bit harder to forecast as I rarely see them coming. It would seem, however, that they begin with some great pain, great shock or at the very least, some great frustration that leaves me questioning every aspect of my life. This, inevitably, leads to a restless, discontent state of mind that wavers between mild annoyance at and an incredible hatred for the world around me. I pull away, as much in an effort to protect everyone else as in an effort to protect myself.

And I float.

Or at least that's how it seems when I'm in the midst of that sea - as though I am merely drifting along, trying very hard not to make any waves because I am so unsure as to the direction I am supposed to be paddling. Yet it never fails when I emerge on that shining shore that I discover I have, at least, been paddling quite ferociously in an effort to keep my head above water.

So now, here I am, on the shores of middle age and at times, I wonder if I haven't reemerged in an entirely new life. I think I like it here.

I can almost hear many of you groaning in protest at my assertion that I've reached middle age and you're right. I have, most likely, passed middle age at this point. I'm ok with that too.

The cancer is cooperating, for the most part. I had my most recent surgery this past May, and was informed I needed another to address a different area, immediately afterwards. Well, they should have thought of that sooner. I'm busy living my life at the moment, and NOT hurting or recovering from surgery so they will just have to wait.

I've quit smoking. Finally. After all the attempts and gum and pills and patches, it really was as simple as my husband said, "the trick to not smoking is simply to, um, not smoke." I haven't had a cigarette since June and now consider myself to be a "non-smoker." My house, car, clothes and hair certainly smell infinitely better and I now have much more disposable income, but I can't tell any real difference in how I feel.

It could be that the 30 pounds I've gained are now weighing me down as much as the tar was before. In all fairness I can't blame all 30 pounds on my giving up the filthy habit. At least half of it has most likely come from the beta blockers.

Those are new. It would seem that all these years I've been complaining of excessive fatigue, muscle weakness, etc. there was a legitimate medical reason - quite simply my ticker doesn't tick right. I seem to remember mentioning an "irregular heartbeat" with each complaint to my doctor over the years, but what do I know, I'm just a mere patient and a woman to boot!

After the chest pain became constant and began being coupled with nausea, shortness of breath, dizziness and jaw pain, I took it upon myself to go stress test, echo-cardiogram and holter monitor later we have learned that I have not one, but two leaky valves, like to jump in and out of SVT and A-Fib and my pressure tries really hard to compensate for my rate. Nice.

That was the easy part. Finding what caused it has proven more difficult. But HAPPY BIRTHDAY, by the way, I think you may have had rheumatic fever when you were little.

Wow. Really?

And you are just now, on my 35th birthday, after at least ten years of watching my frustration over doctors discounting my complaints and ignoring my conviction that there was something just "not right" that made me feel like shit...you are just now thinking that a history of rheumatic fever is worth mentioning??

Wow. Thanks. That is very helpful. Would have been even more helpful TEN YEARS AGO!!!

Patience, forgiveness, acceptance...these are the themes of my most recent growth spurt.

are those bagpipes I hear?

But wait, I'm not dead. I don't think.

Although there are days I wonder.

The days and weeks and months are a blur. Everything is different yet nothing has really changed.

Is this eternity?

Somehow I was expecting so much more.

facing fear

Wow, I just realized how long it had been since I posted. I've gotten really slack with this thing!

Perhaps I just needed to be nudged by the accumulation of thoughts that are now bursting at the seams of my mind.

Today's prevailing thoughts involve my work with EMS.

I knew this job would be a challenge. I knew there would be the shifts that would challenge my sensibilities and ability to shoulder the sorrow of the patients I care for and their families. I knew there would be calls that would force me to think on my feet and not rely so heavily on everything the books tell you. I knew I would be placed in situations that would challenge my physical strength and abilities.

What I didn't realize, and probably should have, is that this job also constantly challenges me to overcome my fears.

Afraid of the dark? Big deal, get over it. The power is out and your patient is in the farthest back bedroom of the old house that would be creepy even during the day.

Afraid to drive in the snow and ice? Deal with it. The lady having a heart attack on the other side of the county isn't worried about road conditions.

Afraid of spiders? Pssht! Your patient is lying on the ground with a gunshot wound and doesn't even realize the little bastards are crawling all over him.

Afraid of majorly screwing up? How in the hell can you be any good to them if you're frozen in fear?

We all let fear stand in the way of so much in our daily lives. It's amazing how quickly it dissipates when the situation doesn't allow you the time to even think about it.

job-specific prayers

While you are praying we get there on time, praying we can help your loved one, praying that it's not as bad as it seems, we are saying prayers of our own. Here's the one I tend to start every shift with...

Dear Lord, please go with us today and keep us safe.
Please give me the wisdom to have sound judgment and make good decisions in the best interest of my best patient, my partner and myself.
Please go with me and help me to fulfill my duties with skill and compassion.
And please Lord, let my patients be skinny, and if they can't be skinny, please let the fire department be on scene to help me lift them.
Amen.

Of course I have a completely separate prayer said when it's necessary to drive at high rates of speed either to the scene or to the hospital. It goes something like this and is set on repeat throughout the trip...

Dear Lord, please help us get there safe, please help us get there on time.
Dear Lord, please don't let me do anything stupid to cause me to wreck this ambulance.
Dear Lord, please don't let anyone else do anything stupid to cause me to wreck this ambulance.
Dear Lord, if this ambulance does wreck please don't let my momma drive by and see it.

pissier and pissier

So one of my favorite bloggers, Kate, let loose with a list of things making her pissy at the moment which has reminded me that every now and then, it's ok to be pissy.

And pissy I have been. And getting pissier by the second.

The husband likes to chalk up my pissiness to the time of the year. He's not lucky enough to have a wife who has PMS, but she is apt to get moody during certain times of the year and he seizes that as a rationalization for her pissy mood so he doesn't have to accept any of the responsibility for said mood.

So here we go...the list inspiring my current state of pissiness:

1) I'm sick of trying to clean this damn house! Correction: I'm sick of trying to clean this damn house while my husband sits on his fat ass in front of the television. I'm sick of cleaning off counters, only so someone can come along twenty minutes later to leave crumbs, trash or open containers of food on the aforementioned freshly scrubbed counter. I'm sick of being the only one who does laundry or cleans the bathroom or even recognizes that these things must be done. I'm sick of people looking warily at me like I'm some sort of irrational bitch for being pissy about the pee on the floor beside the toilet I just cleaned or the sticky mess on the counter I just scrubbed.

2) I'm sick of working 60-80 hours a week when I only work part-time!! I work two part-time jobs for two different departments of local government. Since I'm just a part-time employee, I don't qualify for benefits. So, I'm working my ass off either directly providing health care through one position or helping others figure out ways to get it through another position while I can't go to the fucking doctor because I have no health insurance. I am also sick of the 40 hour a week person in my house failing to realize that I am working so many hours and might need a little help getting things done around the house.

3) I am sick of all these damn animals in my house!!! We already had three dogs and a cat when The Boy got another cat. Then The Husband brought home an abandoned puppy and you can't walk through the damn house without stepping on a tail or being stepped on by a paw. I'm sick of the hair and the noise and all the damned pet supplies cluttering up my house.

4) I am sick of the snow and cold weather. It's currently 25 degrees and we have 8-10 inches of snow on the ground. They're calling for more frozen precipitation on Tuesday and again on Friday. My feet are cold and all this damn snow is wreaking havoc on my appointment book at work.

5) I am sick of being pissy. I'm tired of being in a crappy mood but people just keep pissing me off!

making my list, checking it twice

It's the last night of the year and I'm laid up on my couch with the cold from hell so I decided to take a look back at this time last year to see if I'd made any resolutions.

Nope...I never do. But I did have a short list of things I'd like to accomplish. I wonder how I did with that.

* Complete the EMT-Basic course and pass the state certification the FIRST time. I've heard that a lot of folks fail the first time but I refuse to be one of them.

CHECK! Not only did I finish with the highest average in the class, but I also had the highest score on the state test. Yay me! I've also started working as an EMT for a local service and am loving it!

* Make myself go to church EVERY Sunday (unless of course I'm sick.) As much as I enjoy going and even miss it when I don't go, I still find excuses to to go about once a month.

CHECK! Ok, I had a lot of help with this one. I started teaching one of the adult Sunday School classes and I'm pretty sure one of the main reasons they wanted me to teach was to help ensure my regular attendance!

* Blog on a more regular basis. I've gotten slack in my blogging, primarily because my mind has been filled with shit not fit to see the light of day. I have this wonderful outlet, I need to use it. Of course, this may mean that I ramble even more.

Ok, so I didn't really accomplish this one at all. Again, most of the crap that floats around in my brain isn't fit to see the light of day. Plus there are a handful of people in my life who know about this blog and yes, it does make me a bit more reserved about what I share.

* Get my teeth fixed. My teeth are a nightmare and in major need of some extensive dental work. I have dental insurance, but I'm a complete wimp when it comes to having dental work done and I'm too cheap to spend the money. I have a hard time justifying it as a necessary expense if the tooth isn't hurting.

Um, yea. I haven't taken the first step towards taking care of this one. I guess this is one that needs to be moved to the top of my list for 2010.

Let's see...what else needs to be on that list?

* Stop procrastinating so much! I always find myself behind the eight ball because I put everything off until the last minute. I really need to start trying to tackle things immediately and not let them all pile up. This goes for crap at work, laundry, chores, social obligations, etc.

* Take better care of myself...meaning at least eating better and taking vitamins. Surely I can manage that. Maybe.

On that note, I've just finished a huge glass of orange juice and am pretty sure it's time for some chocolate! ;-)

a quick note to him

Dear,

I played pool with your son tonight. That's one of those things I don't do often because it reminds me so much of you. How is it that he holds the cue just as you did, that he puts that same spin on the cue ball, that he has that same swagger as he works his way around the table, when he never once saw you shoot a game?

I was struck by his hands, as I always am. They are definitely yours. I was struck too by his smile and his laugh, as I always am. And for a moment, a brief, fleeting moment, I felt as though you were still here.

He's happy. He knows he's loved. He loves his Momma and is fiercely defensive of me.He knows who you are. And he knows how much you loved him. He misses you and hates he never got the chance to know you better.

So do I.

I look at him now, at the threshold of manhood, still so much a child, and I think of you, of the life you deserved. I wonder, just as I have wondered a million times before, what your life would've been like had you been born to someone else, had she been able to grasp reality and not let her own insanity soil you so much. I see him in front of me, bright smile, laughing eyes and I have my answer.

He has chosen to be Baptized tomorrow. He was worried, for a while, about whether or not you believed, about whether or not you would be allowed to meet us on the other side, whether or not you were a child of God. I assured him you were...not just because of the conversations we had when you were here but because of the sense of peace God gave me as I prayed for you incessantly after your death.

You would be so proud of him...of the man he is becoming. I've explained that you believed he was the only good thing you ever did and he is determined to be the type of man you wished him to be - good, strong, kind and loving.

I miss you most during these times. I think of the sweet little kisses you gave me when he was born, the tender touch of your hand in mine as we watched him play as a baby and I wish you were here to see him now.

I wish he could know you as I do...that infectious laugh that lit up a room, that soft look of love in your eyes as you looked at him. I try so very hard to do right by you. To raise him as you wanted him to be raised. To keep you as part of our lives.

But oh, how I miss you!

It's gotten easier. I no longer cry every day. Yet still I long for your touch, to hear your voice. But I thank God every day for giving me a part of you. And I still thank Him for not allowing him to have your brown eyes. I'm not sure I could handle that.

You told me, oh so often, not to plan for you to be a part of our lives as he grew older. You were so sure you would die young. I told you, oh so often, that I simply couldn't imagine it any other way. I was so certain you would live forever. And here we are, all these years later and you are still part of my very being.

The day we married you kissed me and whispered "not even death."

I take a breath and hear those words, feel your breath warm upon my ear and I know you were right.

There are not words to express how much I miss you, how much I long to have you at my side. But I have also yet to find the words that describe how I still feel your presence, how I know you've never really left my side.

I love you.